Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Shine on Signs

I went to see my LP practitioner today, two hours round trip for a free-of-charge follow-up session. We agreed that it would probably be counter-productive for me to push the process any further with the M.E. and that being a proper grown-up meant taking on board the fact that life ain’t perfect; also, that it made sense not to put too much strain my hard-won acceptance of Living With It. She mused that some practitioners might have tried to persuade me that I was allowing myself to be ruled by “self-limiting beliefs.” We laughed in recognition of the potential trap in this and recognised in each other the capacity for opening to new possibility as well as the need to question. I felt, as I did when she conducted the training, that I liked her very much – that whatever she did was coming from an authentic “place”, whether it worked for me or not. I spent a lot of money, but it was worth the risk and I haven’t walked away with nothing at all.

Things are better. I don’t know quite what I mean by this or how I can begin to measure, but I have the sense that this is so, and so does Him Outdoors who sees, more than another, how things lie in the soul of Signs. And it is a soul thing, (for this read feelings, emotions or what you will) probably down to a number of variables, of which LP is one. Body still begs to differ when I say this. Things are as bad as they were, it says, you’re just putting a shine on things. Yes maybe I am, but if so I’m doing it because - at this point in time - I can. When I asserted today that things were better I was aware that it was a partial truth. I liked the smile it brought to the face of the practitioner and was pleased to reflect something good back at her, and anyway (I told body), what did it cost me to put a bit of a shine on things? But I couldn’t have done that if it were just a lie, and it feels qualitatively different to the times when I used to simply over-ride and push myself to the limit regardless.

Feelgood substance I do not despise: went to see the film Juno twice in a week because it hit the exact spot, and then I downloaded the music, including this, and (by all that's wonderful and 1970s) this! from iTunes to play on my peppermint-green iPod. Having said this, I am writing some pretty dark poems – moving from the Edge into the dense forest where there be wolves, witches and thorns and the signs are everywhere saying go deeper. I will, of course. I may, in a manner of speaking, be gone for some time.

18 comments:

shining wolves and raspberries said...

Signs - I like forests (deeper the better), I like wolves (almost have one), I think I even like (the idea of) witches, and thorns I know best from raspberries, which I love (they grow wild and thorny on wastegrounds between cultivated land and forest, over here). And I like you. So I'm pleased to know you feel things are better - and I'm with you here, there's no harm in shine.

Sending you the inevitable link here, in keeping with your side-thread of "blasts from the past" (Mott). And noting that the word ver is wvfth, which, to me, is quite close to "wolf".

Signs - in your words - the signs are auspicious.

Reading the Signs said...

That was quite amazing, Shining Wolf - were we actually witnessing Syd having his first trip? Lovely music, but how things turned out for him was so very sad. He took a trip too far, perhaps.

I know you have an almost-wolf daemon now so you can go as deep as you please into forest. It is not for everyone, but you are by nature a Sign-reader and I recommend it.

nmj said...

hey signs, glad you are shining - and did you really see 'juno' twice in one week - i am always cynical about films that are hyped so much, often i am disappointed - is it really so good? x

Reading the Signs said...

Hi NMJ, I can't say if it will live up to the hype or not - it is good, yes, and unfolds in a surprising way that disarms and uplifts, though at the beginning you might just think it's another bog-standard high school flick. But the reason I went to see it twice is that I'd been once with Mr. S and fancied going again with a couple of friends who hadn't seen it yet - and it was the last week of showing, otherwise I might have waited longer.

Shine is slightly challenged by disordered sleep patterns, but still, nonetheless, there. Thanks.

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Betterness happens in tiny little victories, so the partial truth is actually a big truth, sometimes the body takes a while to catch up with the soul and the mind.

I spent time this weekend with two old friends - one has just been medically unboarded after suffering from ME for 10 years. The other had it for two years. My own, what I call digestive ME since no one else can tell me what it was, is finally passing after four years.

The small victories, the little getting betters are soooo important - they give us hope and hope keeps us going forward.

Keep shining, Ms Signs.

Digitalesse said...

Signs, happy to hear that you are on the up. You've put shine on me this evening. I enjoyed watching that Mott The Hoople video, what a great song.

Reading the Signs said...

I think that's very true, Vanilla, but also important to accept (for some of us) that sometimes one has to find a way of living with something. For me, it has been about twenty-two years - a long time. I am glad to hear you are getting better.

Hi Digi, glad to have passed a bit of shine your way. It is a lovely song, isn't it? And I had quite forgotten it until recently. Have you pressed on the "shining wolves and rapberries" comment? Thereunder lurks a surprise.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Signs

I'm torn - although not much fun for you, the Signs status quo produces wonderful words.

xxx

Pants

peace in our time said...

There is a certain someone who'd be ever so delighted to know about your wee typo there, Signs - and on that word, too. Ah well, nothing to do with me - but if you want mediation, just ask a passing Scandinavian, okay? We are gentle peaceloving folk who broker peace between warring factions all over the place.

Anyhow. That aside, sometimes the forest just takes you and you have no choice whether to go or not. "Real" forests do that too, not just figurative ones, if they have a chance. (My favourite fairy tale is probably Little Red Riding Hood.)

Word ver (and yes, I did look in on the pudding thing, of course I did) is zbxyesy. Quite Yoko-Onoan, wouldn't you say? Or then just auspicious. Yes.

Reading the Signs said...

Oh no - no! Shall I take it out before he sees it or just pretend that I meant rapberries all along? Yes, well I did, so that's settled then - and of course you are discreet and won't breathe a word. But if it comes to war, back me up on this, will you? I have a reputation to maintain.

Real forests do that, yes. Where I am, everything wants to become forest and does so, at the drop of a hat.

Red Riding Hood - you will have read Angela Carter's 'Company of Wolves' - probably.

Reading the Signs said...

Pants! Thank you for this. A bit of shine on volume would be good, though. Words, wordcount etc. Good to see you.

Gael said...

Astray in a dark wood myself at the moment, and not in a good way. Your last post about having nothing to say not being a good thing at essay time? That's me, that is : ( Only actually, it's more about having too much to say. Anyway, hopefully Virgil will be along any minute now to guide me along a different road.

If your mind is telling you that you feel a bit better, than you ARE a bit better, and for that I am very glad.

And if you go down to the woods today, and dare to venture deeper, make sure you've got some chalk and some Kendal mint cake, as well as breadcrumbs, and take care

Kahless said...

Ah,
I believe too that the Signs are auspicious.
There may be wolves, witches and thorns in the dense forest, but there is an empowerment their don't you think?
Rock on dude!
:-)

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

You're absolutely right, Signs, one does also have to accept that sometimes one has to live with something - in addition to the "digestive ME" which is now passing, I also have a chronic condition called Ulcerative Colitis. I think of it as my indicator - since I've learned to surrender to it, to own it, to make it my own and bypass my fear of it (and I've had it for 22 years), suddenly life has taken on a new hue. That act of surrendering and acceptance is very powerful.

Hugs.

Reading the Signs said...

Hi Gael, Many lost-in-the-forest people like this, by David Whyte:

What do I do when I am lost in the Forest?
Stand still
The trees ahead and bushes beside you are not lost.
Wherever you are is called here
And you must treat this as a powerful stranger
You must ask permission to know it and be known
Listen
The forest breathes.
It whispers, I have made this place around you
If you leave it you may come back again saying
Here
No two trees are the same to raven
No two branches are the same to wren
If what a tree or a branch does is lost on you, then you are surely lost
Stand still
The Forest knows where you are
You must let it find you.

Now I'm not meaning to sound dismissive of this and, as Jean Brodie might say, If you like that sort of thing then that is the sort of thing you like - but I am ever so wary of poetry that carries a clumping great Message or comes from a place of apparent all-knowingness. However, however - snooty as I have been about this particular poem, the lines to come back to me now and then and I have, in disgruntled fashion, warmed to it. So I pass it on to you, just in case it Speaks to the purpose at this point in time.

Having too much to say can be very blocking, in my experience. But once you've got into stride, it's great. The way to do this (she says authoritatively) is to freewrite, freewrite, freewrite. Much of what you put will be bollocks, but there will be inspired stuff too that you can lift out and use in your proper essay draft. And you will have bashed through the block. And finally: when in doubt, say the obvious; the best bit of exam/essay advice I ever got.

Kahless, I will do thing, bopalula. The Forest is my terrain, ain't no-one more at home than me in it.

Vanilla, it's a fine, fine line - as I know you will know. To accept, and yet always retain the possibility of change. Hugs back atcha.

Rising Rainbow said...

I'm glad that you can feel better even if it's only a bit. Its still so much better than worse.

Reading the Signs said...

I have to agree with you Rising Rainbow, and can't help remembering the words of my old grandma who used to say,
"Be heppy - things can only get vorse."
I'm rather fond of this, so trot it out whenever I can.

Gael said...

Thank you, Signs, sound advice. I shall try. I normally like to get everything straight in my head first in an almost final virtual draft, but as pieces are getting longer and more complex this just isn't possible. So, I will break the habit of a lifetime and try 'freewrite' this afternoon and see where it takes me... hopefully new and exciting places : )