Sunday, December 9, 2007

Lightning of Signs

An auspicious start to the day: I have had a mug of pretend latte (instant made with one third boiled water, two thirds hot milk, sugar to taste) and a warmed-up croissant that is a few days old, but it is marvellous how heat revives it. There was a Marlborough Menthol lying around so I smoked that. A run around the forest is out of the question, I have M.E., dammit and, to quote the terminally miserable narrator of Dostoevsky’s ‘Notes From Underground’: “I am a sick man … I am a spiteful man. An unattractive man. I think that my liver hurts.” Well actually, I am a woman, really quite attractive and only occasionally spiteful, and I do not think my liver hurts as such - but it is not OK. Fact. It’s an immune disorder thing (PBC). Fingers crossed I’ll see out the rest of my natural without a transplant, but – my eyes are drawn to the top of Chapter One of the Dostoevsky. Scrawled in my handwriting is the following:
“What can we believe? Reconstructing the true motives beneath the surface presented by the narrator is part of the pleasure of reading an unreliable narrator. The narrative becomes a study of a split personality, a hypocrite or a liar.” ‘Struth, but this is wonderful. To come across oneself in the act of doing – what? Writing notes to a future self, perhaps; one who is no longer capable of such willing and energetic engagement and has all but forgotten the self that was.

But it’s all up for change, folks, because tomorrow I begin a three-day course of something that goes by the name of the Lightning Process which sets out to do a re-programming job so that the immune system begins to behave appropriately again (though they can't do anything about the liver thing, but sorting out the M.E. will do nicely). There’s lots about it on the internet if you want to find out more. It’s a challenging thing for anyone who has had this a long time because accepting the condition, its limitations and the fact that there will probably be no cure is one of the things you learn over time to do – or go bonkers. And doing something like this opens you up again to hope, and actually they won’t let you do the course at all unless you’re prepared to come believing that real change is possible. I have told almost everyone I know that I am doing this and had a mixed response. Most people have never heard of the process but wish me well. A couple of people have tried to warn me off and some have been quite threatened by it and hostile, a response I understand because it was my first reaction when I came across it. I was deeply suspicious of something that promised so much. I questioned whether the people that pronounced themselves cured really had M.E. in the first place and whether the initial high after the course was borne out by long-term well-being. I don’t have answers but can no longer ignore the number of people who seem to have benefitted and I want to test it for myself. Anything ventured is always something gained. Someone said that to me recently and I like it. So I come out with something, whatever (and try not to think about the plastic doll you get given at fairground booths when the ball didn’t quite hit the mark). The big prize, perhaps. The jackpot. I will keep you informed but it may be a case of learning the "technique" and then practising over a period, rather than a hallelujah moment. If I come back claiming to be a new woman who loves spring cleaning and cake-decorating then you will know I have been replaced by Stepford Wife. But, you know, one has to risk a little now and then to live well.

And on another positive note, I have been given this as an early Christmas present:
You just put him in water and he grows into a psychotherapist. In fact he’s the only shrink that grows, is available at all times and doesn’t charge a penny. I am blessed.

22 comments:

Kahless said...

I will be thinking of you and I like those words "Anything ventured is always something gained."

At the very least a lovely certificate to put on your wall, at the most... a very big prize indeed. :-)

I also have an award for you on my blog, a little twee (I would change the picture on the button if I could), but an award nonetheless!

x.

Reading the Signs said...

Thanks, Kahless - I'll probably have to make my own certificate, or a bloody great big banner. An award - how auspicious! Sentiment appreciated and, never mind if it ain't art.

Anna MR said...

I belong to the group who know nothing at all about this therapy, but that doesn't stop me from wishing you luck with the lightning, Signs. Keep us posted, do, and I'll send you good thoughts.

Reading the Signs said...

Thank you for the good thoughts, Anna, and I'll be back to tell the tale - one way or another.

WVLs say xzibt - a bit impatient, if you ask me.

cusp said...

You know I'm thinking of and rooting for you all the way .....and I know a bit more about LP after yesterday's trip out so understand better ;-)

Courage Mon Brave !!!


x

Reading the Signs said...

Thanks Cusp - and right at this point you probably know more than I do. But tomorrow I'll have started.

Nicola said...

With you on this, dear Signs.

Collin said...

Thinking of you. Let us know how it goes.

Reading the Signs said...

Nicola, I appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you, Collin - I will do that.

Kahless said...

I have been thinking of you too Signs, wondering how it is going.
x.

Reading the Signs said...

Morning of day three, Kahless - going well.

cusp said...

End of day three then and the end. Do hope it went well and you feel good. I expect you want a breather now to reflect on what you've been through but when you're ready do tell us how it went.

Reading the Signs said...

Hi Cusp,

Yes, I'm back and it was good. I'll be saying something about it soon.

Mellifluous Dark said...

Signs, hello! How could you not try out this possibility?

Wishing you the change and healing that you very much deserve.

Mell D

Mellifluous Dark said...

Ah, just seen that it was good. Brilliant news. Am so pleased for you.

Reading the Signs said...

Thanks for this, dear Mellifluous - yes it was good. Now I just have to 'do' it.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Signs

Finally have a respite from the relentless Brummie movers! They are lovely but working me very hard. You'll be on your third day of the Process now. I hope it has worked for you. You're right. You must believe in it for it to succeed.I believe they call it Pascal's Wager. I hope it paid off for you.

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

Hi Pants,

Third day was yesterday. I think it will pay off. Must practice, though, like building up muscle. I never heard of Pascal's Wager before and just asked SOS about it. I rather like the sound of it, though he has pronounced it "crap" (mainly, I deduce, because if there is a god he wouldn't be impressed) but even he is of the opinion that when applied to something like the Lightning Process it makes sense.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Signs

Sounds like a positive experience. I hope there are long term benefits for you.

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

I hope so too, Pants. Thanks. I have just put up a new post about it.

Blogger said...

Are you paying over $5 / pack of cigs? I'm buying high quality cigs over at Duty Free Depot and I'm saving over 60% from cigarettes.

Blogger said...

VaporFi is the best electronic cigarettes provider on the market.