Monday, December 22, 2008

The Icemaiden Cometh

I would like to say that I am looking forward to Christmas and not planning to top myself. Just thought that needed spelling out in case anyone got the wrong end of the stick after my last post. Desolation angel is only one of my personas. Personae. I don’t know who I am most of the time so no reason why you should.

I would also like to say that Mr. Signs and I have spent a ghastly day at the Croydon IKEA. Of course they never have the exact (or even approximate) thing that you really want: settee covers no longer available because settee in question is no longer made; lamps are still from the planet Zob, in fact I think that they are all extra terrestrials cleverly disguised as lamps and I fully expected The Doctor (Christmas Day, oh yesss!) to come charging through the IKEAn maze hotly pursued by an office chair. That was on the list too, but we couldn’t find one that felt comfortable and they were expensive. Mr. Signs lost his mobile phone while trying out various mattresses (this was the main purpose of the expedition, to replace the broken one on son’s bed). We found it handed in at customer services, but not before we had scurried around the place like headless chickens looking for it. We had our usual consolation prize meal of meatballs and chips with lingonberries and beige gravy and I stocked up on more of the same to put in the freezer so we can play IKEA back in Signs Cottage. The gravy comes in packets, one mixes it with water and cream and it is weirdly delicious if one doesn’t look at the small print and find out what is in it.

And I would also like to say that I am looking forward to a visit from The Icemaiden herself who is due to arrive chez Signs on the first day of next year – not long to wait now, yippee! We will of course have a very interesting time of it when trying to communicate because, as everyone should know by now she actually speaks by making strange, unintelligible (to the uninitiated) seal sounds, and she uses a special instant translation facility when coming to talk to us on Blogger, but we have an empathetic connection and can always wave our arms around so all will be well. I will be asking her to bring some proper Finnish snow and a real, live penguin – hoping this won’t cause problems at customs.

But first we have Christmas and a steady trickle of relatives, half-relatives, ex-step siblings and sundry others to cater for in the postage stamp of a kitchen with two tables pushed together and the collapsible garden chairs brought in so we can all sit and get stuffed. Stuffing I have not yet made, nor the bread pudding, nor anything else other than a few sorry-looking spelt (sugar-free) mince pies and some gingerbread mixture that went wrong (but I got some nice ready-made heart-shaped things at IKEA to hang on the tree). No, everything has to be got ready tomorrow – tree, marathon shop at supermarket, getting crib set, lights and other paraphernalia down from the loft. Not to mention taking son’s friend to the airport so he can get back to the States for Christmas Eve. And the bed linen must be changed so daughter can sleep on fresh sheets (also new from IKEA). And the place is a mess. But Son of Signs has asked if he can cook the dinner on Christmas day and I have said yes please. And the angels and elemental beings will (have to) come and sort everything else out.

18 comments:

Nicola said...

Signs, thank you, thank you for letting me know you are exactly in the state I find myself. I feel I've had a glimpse of how ME must be, having been down and out with a horrid 'flu virus for the last fortnight. Used to being in robust health, I wondered if I would ever be well again, forcing myself up and about, collapsing through sheer tiredness by five pm, aching and mewing. And, yes, everything to do tomorrow minus the meatballs.
Have just discarded comment on your last post as inadequate to say how stunning it is. I am still reeling.

Wishing you a very Happy Christmas and the best of all possible visits
with the lovely Ice Maiden.

Collin Kelley said...

I have many items from IKEA, but actually going to the store makes me nauseous. We have a giant IKEA here in Atlanta, but I've only been two or three times.

Hope the Ice Maiden cometh. :)

And, yes, THE DOCTOR on Christmas Day. Hooray!

Reading the Signs said...

Nicola, good to see you, though sorry you have had the horribles and yes, the collapsing thing is such a damn pain and nuisance. Trust the angels, my dear, it really works. For I don't know how else I would have got through all the other Christmasses. Though it should be said that Mr. Signs does quite a lot too.

Collin, barring natural or other disaster, she cometh in very truth! And oh yes, THE DOCTOR :)

trousers said...

I didn't detect so much desolation in the previous post, more a case of thoughtful introspection: nonetheless it's comforting to see that you're looking forward to Christmas regardless of all that needs sorting out.

I have never been to IKEA. Ever. I've never been to Blackpool either, nor Alton Towers, but neither of those are relevant to this post in any way so I won't make an issue out of it. Back to IKEA, I don't see that situation changing in the near future at least.

Anyway. I would like to wish you a lovely, very merry Christmas, and the very best for the New Year. If you manage to establish any form of meaningful verbal interaction with the Icemaiden, please give her my warmest regards too, and if things get really wild, throw a hug in there for good measure.

Word ver = rehings, which sounds like something you need to take back to IKEA.

Anna MR said...

The Icemaiden waveth.

She also pointeth out, that the word ver is squise, which are seals in exquisite disguise.

She's just saying.

Anna MR said...

(And now they are saying howly.

She's still just saying.)

Reading the Signs said...

Trousers, you are a scholar and a gentleman, and you are quite right: desolation wasn't actually the thing.

I will definitely find a way of conveying your regards and hug to the Icemaiden. Have got hold of Teach Yourself Sealspeak and, not meaning to boast, am pretty good at picking up new languages.

I once took something back to IKEA and still shudder at the memory. Hours and hours in a queue with other lost souls and they did everything they could not to give me a refund. The packet sauce mix barely redeems them.

hei, Icemaiden - you mean to say that you really are a seal in real life? Ok, can cope with that, but can't vouch for Cat of Signs, she a bit sensitive, but I'm sure we'll manage.

Kahless said...

How exciting, the Ice Maiden commething to Signs cottage.

I indeed am having a blogger to stay this weekend (who I already met last month) before she returns to Oz.

And as for Dr Who....
I love the cybermen!

Anna MR said...

A seal, a selkie, an Icemaiden - it's all pretty much the same, no, sees? The weevils know this and agree, they are saying zoopid. I kid you not.

(S*rry about going on about the word vers - they just seem to have gone very interesting, as of late. I may be receiving coded messages from another life form. But what-what? Am I to miss The Doctor? Oh man.)

Gaelileo said...

Thanks for your comments at my place, spelt mince pies sound, erm intriguing. Good on Signs junior for volunteering to help out on the day.
I thought your last post was reflective, not desolate. Families are complicated, and are of course with us for life, not just for Christmas.
Delighted that the Icemaiden is coming over to our shores, say hei, and proffer a selection of Ikea's finest confectionery in her direction from me

Reading the Signs said...

Yes yes yes, seestah - and did you not (with deep intuitive knowing) several times call me skins?

I know the weevils are onto us - untathr now, a bit of Icelandic I reckon, and I used to have a Teach Yourself book for this too. So spooky.

Reading the Signs said...

hey Kahless, almost didn't spot you there - have a lovely Christmas and I hope you watch The Doctor with me (in spirit), it's good to have the company of like-minded folk.


Gaelileo, believe it or not, the spelt pies have gone - people (including me) ate them. I don't know why I should find myself surprised at this.

I bought some heart-shaped gingerbread things at IKEA. Nothing as impressive as what you and Ice Maiden are producing. But hei.

Cusp said...

Merry Christmas my dear. Have a lovely time

x

Gail said...

I chanced upon your writings through Absolute Vanilla.
Have enjoyed my visit.
Merry Christmas.

Anna MR said...

Hmmmmmmmm. Something lead me to believe there would be a new post here tonight, Signs - I don't know why or how, but I just had the, you know, feeling. I suppose I'll have to make do with pestering you here, anyway, since I made the long and arduous journey all the way from the furthest, ice-boxiest corner of the known universe. Sigh. It's a hard day's work being a blog-pesterer from outer space.

Reading the Signs said...

'Tis done. Enjoy!

x

Anna MR said...

I have, and am. Mwah!

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