It’s getting bad again. I know why, I think – it’s the frequent trips to Brighton, especially at a time of day when I should be lying down. Why do I always think I can get away with things? I had a reasonably good spell over the Christmas hols, but driving distances on a regular basis is not good. I have asked Shrink to give me an earlier time to see if this makes a difference. If not, I may have to stop going altogether, and how will he afford his citybreak holidays then? And damn his eyes anyway for still speaking about this as metaphor.
So what I am doing about all this is:
a) taking drugs (Co-prox never lets me down)
b) drinking
c) smoking
d) swearing
e) eating mince pies (found some leftover spelt pastry in the fridge).
In other words I’m being positive. But The Writing suffers and therefore so do I. Shrink is very sanguine about this because I have been writing down dreams and reading them out to him, and the last one had us both in bed together watching a performance involving a group of people doing strange things in a gymnasium, it was a bit avant garde for me but he seemed to enjoy it, both in the dream and in the consulting room.
I know I have had this thing for twenty two odd years, and I know that I am actually one of the luckier ones (for which believe me I am every day grateful). But there is this creature who every day wakes up with me and says that today is the first day of the rest of your life and everything might suddenly, inexplicably, be fine.
I am making ridiculous plans for things that I know I am unlikely to do. But I make them anyway, and perhaps some of them will bear fruit.
12 comments:
Smoking?
Stop it.
And easy on the drinking too.
I hope they do come true.
Zhoen, I am just bragging really. Can't drink very much even if I wanted. The smoking, yes.
Cusp - next incarnation if not this.
do it all girl and methinks is OK to say give Brighton the dear John letter. You could swap places with him and he might well be the better for it. Out with the pen, the fags and drink and mince-pies and rainbow of poisitivity - and write. In the grand scheme of things I am convinced you are doing fine
dearest North - I choose to believe you in this.
Well I admire the spirit of b, c and d. It says to me, "f*ck this, I'm not letting this thing stop me from doing things I enjoy," and if indeed they nourish your spirits, then I think it's a healthy thing, as much as looking after your health in the more accepted ways.
I think what you say about making "ridiculous" plans may well chime with that too.
I'm in danger, if not teetering on the brink of starting to sound like I'm lecturing or something. I don't want to do that, so do excuse me.
More strength to you in mind, body and spirit.
You never sound that like, Trousers. Thank you.
"there is this creature who every day wakes up with me and says that today is the first day of the rest of your life and everything might suddenly, inexplicably, be fine. "
I've been hearing that creature a little too loudly this month.
Mr Creative assures me that many people are struggling to get back into the swing of normality since Christmas. And he suggests that I could be one of those people (my normality being a bit different to most of theirs) and not to underestimate the effects of extreme chilly temperatures recently which are bound to be having some effect. He may have a point.
I'm starting to think that I shouldn't take January as a normal month and that things will settle a bit soon.
I think with this illness, in order to finish your novel, it might be the only thing you can do - for as long as it takes - that's what I found. Other things have to be shelved. I don't smoke (apart from occasionally as student years ago) but I do sometimes want a cigarette. Just for the hell of it.
Rachel, the cold doesn't worry me (see previous post), nor January, though grey and wetness does - and extreme heat.
The smoking has got to stop, NMJ, it was supposed to be a "festive" blip. But the other things I'll carry on with as necessary, I guess. And there's always (how embarassing is this) Nicorette gum.
Sorry to hear you aren't feeling too great. One very strange thing I noticed about my own thoughts during the downtimes is that my plans and dreams become ridiculously unrealistic. One relapse I was imagining a trip to NYC and visiting Ellis Island. It was no more than an escapist fantasy, but it was better than reality.
I have had the same thing, Digi - one of my plans included taking off and driving across Ireland in my Nissan Micra with nowhere to sleep but the back seat.
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