Oh for goodness sake, where have I been! Drawing out Lent, I should think not, as though privation were good for the soul, for this soul I mean (because no it isn't) or as though I am Greta Garbo, gawdssake, with a big loud megaphone blaring that I Vant To Be Alooooone! When actually, I don't, not really. I like the community of disparate souls that gather around the flames of blogfire and it wasn't my intention to banish myself forever to wander in the dark forest toute seule. At least not yet. At least I don't think so. And I say this with whatever shreds of strength are left to me by this wretched chronic Condition of mine, which I will neither go on about at great length nor seek in any way to deny, and this is quite a trick to pull off, so give me a few gold stars for this. I am not sure that I have been earning gold stars for much else. I have written some poems and taken them to workshops, I have given attention to workshopping other people's poems also and this continues to feel meaningful to me - in other words, like real work. And I am honing a skill that I have yet to find a title for, but let us call it Giving Myself License - GML for short. As things stand, this basically means that I park in places that strictly speaking I shouldn't, but I hope to find creative ways of extending this and will welcome all suggestions.
Went to see my GP the other day. Come back - what do expect me to blog about on my first post, post-Lent, and I can file it quite reasonably under the label Life and Stuff. Ahem. GP has been away from the practice for a while as he became the father of twins. A photograph showed from behind a box of index cards and I saw the crowns of two smooth baby heads. He looked tired but did not mind that I had come with a list of ten or so things. He is by no means the brightest button in the box but he is unfailingly courteous and does what he can with the limited resources allowed by the NHS. There needs to be dialogue between him and the specialist I see from time to time, and in order for this to happen I have to be on the case or things get stuck. So yes, much time is given over to health matters. I don't mind. I am still hopeful that if some of the issues underlying my symptoms can be addressed then a measure of wellness may be given back to me and will never believe that it was part of Anyone's masterplan that I should come into the world and be so ill for so long. When things go wrong, when something vital is lacking or malfunctioning you try and put it right and you go on trying while there is hope and while you can. That is all.
Meanwhile, you carry on and develop strategies. One of mine is to give myself license to break minor rules. Call it covert bad behaviour of the mostly uncriminal kind. If there is a queue anywhere I will, if possible, try to jump it. I park my car beside petrol pumps at Tesco Express when I just need some shopping but no petrol. I park in the bays at the back of the doctor's surgery, which are only supposed to be used by staff, when there are no spaces at the front. I do these things to save my strength and because there are times when walking up an incline can make me much worse, and standing in queues will always do that (if interested, see Orthostatic Intolerance). So yes, the other day I parked at the back of the surgery. Plenty of space there, no-one spotted me, no harm done. And you see that photograph at the top? That was taken by Mr. Signs on a lovely day in Brighton when we were having a walk and fancied a cone of Mr. Marrocco's ice cream (length of queue is testimony to how good it is). We went to the back of the queue, as one does. Then I asked Mr. S to wait while I went to investigate. Are you going to try and jump the queue? he asked. He knows me, doesn't really approve but is also realistic. Make mine a raspberry sorbet, he said. I hovered around the glass counter looking as though I was studying the various different flavours on offer. There was a kerfuffle of people choosing things and a bevy of scoop-wielding shop assistants. One of them spotted me and asked what I wanted. I walked out with two cones - simples. On our walk back we spotted the same person that had stood in front, still waiting and reckoned I must have saved us about half an hour.
Am I a bad person? This is rhetorical and not really up for discussion, at least not in my hearing. And, like I said, suggestions welcome.
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13 comments:
Glad you're writing again. You're comment about the 'masterplan' is spot on. How people can go through life (and chronic illness) believing this crap is beyond me.
My other half will stand in queues for me but I have to say I always get dirty looks from people about 5 or 10 years older than me when I sit on a chair in the bank or wherever because no matter how ill I feel I always look 'well' and apparently I look younger than my chronological age (not that I can see it when I look in the mirror, mind you) so I'm expected to jump for people. And I don't. Or won't.
Digi, it's great to see you and I've been keeping an eye on your lovely photos.
Mr. S would queue for me too, but actually there was nowhere I could see at the time to sit. Having said that, I just spotted an empty chair in the photo. Oh well. Still have the feeling of entitlement as going for a walk is not nothing.
Yes, I look 'well' too, which I'm glad about but it causes, shall we say, confusion.
It may be bad karma, but given how much else you are dealing with, I suspect it will even out. At least you are not like the story over at Etiquette Hell today.
etiquettehell.com/
Anyway, glad to read you here, you can have gold stars from me anytime.
Zhoen I am glad you think so, for the last thing I would want to be doing is storing up bad karma - am really hoping that next incarnation will be a complete blast! Thank you for the gold stars :)
ok, need to check out Etiquette Hell ...
great to see you here!! Queue jumping and iffy parking sound wise to me. And I know how hard it is to overcome the conditioning that tells us not to do these bad things... Trying to think of other similar strategies for you...
Fire Bird, I thank you - I forgot to mention parking in the supermarket parent-and-child bays - was confronted about that once but when I explained, it was ok.
My suggestion is not a suggestion, and it says "no, you are not [a bad person]". In fact, you're totally lovely.
Mwah!
x
Brilliant - I love the thought of your ever creative ways of queue jumping. If you ever want me to get hold of a child car seat for the back of your car, let me know. Or would that be outright deceit rather than creative queue jumping?
Excellent.
Nietsche would have approved.
right on sis what can I say? Oh alright then, I accept! But if I am then so are you - 's in the genetic make-up, nicht war? Ja. Mwah.
Serenwen, outright deceit can be a part of my repertoire and I do like that idea! Only thing is that I look a bit (how can I put it) well - old to be the mother of a car seat-age child. Yes, because the other day at the chemist the guy behind the counter told me to tick the box for over 60s (the cheek of it) - though he had the decency to blush when I told him I wasn't - it's the silvery locks. (Note to self: should really change that youthful, pixellated image of me here).
Montag, I'm so pleased. But why would he? Please explain!
Tick the over 60s box? What a cheek. Mind you, some fish and chip shops have cheap fish suppers on a Monday for OAPs, so maybe you could try it on. I know someone in her late 40s who is lying her way into going to community theatre and art classes for the over 50s, but to quote my nephew, "It's OK to lie about being over 18 to get into a nightclub or served in a pub, but lying about your age to get into SAGA? That is totally SAD!"
Digi, I have already availed myself of the cheap fish and chips (you can get the special cut-price OAP deal every day near me) - and that was while I still dyed my hair and looked, even though I say it myself, like a whippersnapper. Talk about a sense of entitlement!
Haha! I bet those fish and chips taste even better with an OAP discount.
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