Wednesday, March 31, 2010

in the swim (2)

So I have been doing the swimming for the best part of a month and need to decide whether to sign on the dotted line and become a Member of the exclusive little place. The swimming, while I'm actually doing it, is bliss and I am getting better at it, stronger, feel as though I am flying, in slow motion, bird on the wing of blue water. Chlorinated blue water, but still, it is the element and I am in it.

M.E. god is displeased. I hear him rumble and growl, a great wailing and gnashing of teeth, like Grendel and his mother both, howling for blood. That word again. But it is as though something is moving in the blood and a battle is being played out, David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion. David and Daniel had the Lord on their side and won. The question is, will the Lord be on my side in the Battle of the Swimming Pool or will I be left gasping and bed-ridden with everything worse and the blinds all pointing south. Bravery in the face of M.E. god is never rewarded, we all know everything there is to know about this.

But the inner prompting is firm and insistent and says, do this; or, as my old grandma used to say: "Be heppy! Things can only get vorse!" Meaning that whatever you do things are going to go pear-shaped, so do the thing (that makes you happy) anyway. Well, she didn't mean exactly that, she meant shut up and be grateful for small mercies, especially the bean and potato soup I just made. But a little poetic license is appropriate, I feel, in the translation.

The thing is, I feel ill, my muscles flare and hurt, and some days I think oh gawd (sorry Lord), this is the beginning of something dreadful, back to how it was at the beginning. But muscle pain and feeling ill, c'est normale, and a couple of days and a few drugs later inner prompting says, get out and do it again while the coast is clear, be quick about it, make yourself stronger while no-one's looking. So I do. And it is all I can do. The writing is fast and furious, squeezed into tiny pockets. And inner prompting says, sometimes there is a door, and sometimes you can choose to go through it. Do not be afraid.
Why not? I ask.
Because fear is the devil.
Will I survive?
I don't know.
Why now?
Because now.


Zhoen said...

If it's only going to get worse, might as well enjoy it now while it's not so bad.

Anna MR said...

Hei Signs, you brave dear heart.

Maundy Thursday today. In my native, it is known as kiirastorstai - "kiiras" being only ever used in that word and the word describing the fire of Purgatory (kiirastuli - "fire" being "tuli", just to complete Lesson 1 in Useless Words in a Useless Language). I don't know why that crept in here in my opening paragraph, apart from that maybe it felt a little bit connected to your post - the suffering of both the Thursday and Purgatory, I don't know.

It may also be that while I know I want to comment here, my dear, it's also not the easiest to know what to say. It would be easy - and honest - to say wehey girl, go go go, I'm dead proud of you. It would also be easy enough - and honest, and concerned - to say whoa, easy girl, you don't want to be overdoing it. Saying both would be honest too, but they would rather cancel each other out. And while you and the other ME peeps out there know all there is to know about this, I cannot claim to know, and hence I feel careful about saying, well, either.

Obviously, you must survive the swimming and the punishment it brings you - yet I think it is good that you're following the inner prompting. None of us survive life. Does that sound either callous, or someone who doesn't know what she's talking about talking about things she doesn't know about? Deary me, this must be the messiest comment I've left in a long time.

I think you will know if the time to stop comes.

Almost Easter. Hugs from the North.


(troter - need I elaborate?)

Fire Bird said...

Following your story - holding you in the water in my mind. You are brave indeed to stay with this...
dangljo says WV - dangljo Signs!

Cusp said...

Well you can risk it (the payback) or you can think 'something is telling me to do this and I will NOT let that little grey shadow overshadow everything so I shal swim and enjoy it and savour it and if it does go awry well I have good memories of swimming'.

Go for it !

Have a lovely Easter

Reading the Signs said...

Zhoen, grandma meant something like that, yes - but I being foolish do not accept the premise and hope for better.

Anna of Blessed Penguin, I know I know, sometimes there is nothing to usefully say, and it is precisely then that we must say it because (remember John Cage?) that is poetry. Or it is bollocks, or it is platitudes, or we find ourselves on the threshold of something as yet undiscovered, or the thing that wants to say itself just comes through the words. I should have learned Finnish, it is my kind of useless language. I love these lessons.

Apropos "none of us survive life", there is another saying that goes "you can survive everything but death" - which may be the same thing, but I'm not sure.

Fire Bird thank you, and dangljo has the right kind of resonance in this situation for it feels as though it will help me to overcome gravity, which is the problem when I am out of the water. Earth element I have always struggled with.

Cuspchen, well actually that is one I hadn't thought of, but you're right. It may go pear-shaped and lets face it the odds are stacked. But it feels good to do, and that is reason enough to go for it.

Happy Easter.

Mim said...

Did this grandmother say "epple" for apple? Mine did.

Your swimming does sound like bliss. Whatever decision you make will be yours and right!


Reading the Signs said...

Ja Mim, she did. Und she regularly mixed the Cherman mit the English.